hypocrit

February 15, 2005

i am the biggest one of all.

part of this big hierarchical hegemonic organization that we have taken to calling “the church” but which i’m pretty sure jesus would turn over the tables at. so tired of seeing it fall apart/ crush itself under its own weight.

i want to step off of this treadmill.

part of this big capitalist corporate society that this socialist feminist is so tired of tacitly accepting by my participation.

why, why, why am i here doing things i don’t want to do to get somewhere i don’t want to be.

australia

February 12, 2005

here at work on a saturday.

dreaming of the land down-under.

planning a trip to australia this summer is a wonderful thing, and perhaps the only thing which keeps me going and provides motivation to be here.

i realize once again, when i’m here by myself, how much i love being in lab. doing things, the comfort and security of working with my hands and my mind at the same times. observing, figuring, determining. on my own, with no one on my ass about my results and no lab ‘children’ to care for.

i think i’ve found a good ticket, at least. sydney here i come?

tehran

February 12, 2005

i’m currently reading “reading lolita in tehran” by azar nafisi.

summarY: a woman professor there teaches a small group of female students some western literature after they are no longer allowed in the universities due to the islamic revolution’s increasing censorship. it also chronicles the authors life from the time she moves back to iran in the late ’70s until she leaves in the mid ’90s.

what intrigues me most about the book is also the thing that scares me the most: the peoples’ complicity in the revolution. the lack of foresight.

from the book:
” the war with iraq that began that september and did not end until late july 1988. everything that happened to us during those eight years of war, and the direction our lives took afterward, was in some way shaped by this conflict…. At first the war seemed to pull the divided country together: we were all iranian and the enemy had attacked our homeland. but even in this, many were not allowed to participate fully. from the regime’s point of view, the enemy had attacked not just iran; it had attacked the Islamic Republic, and it had attacked Islam.

the polarization created by the regime confused every aspect of life. Not only were the forces of God fighting an emissary of Satan, Iraq’s Saddam Hussein, but they were also fighting agents of satan inside the country. At all times, from the very beginning of the revolution and all through the war and after, the Islamic regime never forgot its holy battle against its internal enemies. All forms of criticism were now considered Iraqi-inspired and dangerous to national security.”

or, if you prefer:
the war with terrorism began that september and did not end…. everything that happened to us during those years of war, and the direction our lives took afterward, was in some way shaped by this conflict…. At first the war seemed to pull the divided country together: we were all civilians and the enemy had attacked civilization. but even in this, many were not allowed to participate fully. from the regime’s point of view, the enemy had attacked not just civilians; it had attacked the United States, and it had attacked Capitilism.

the polarization created by the regime confused every aspect of life. Not only were the forces of God/America fighting an emissary of Satan, Terrorists, but they were also fighting agents of satan inside the country. At all times, from the very beginning of the revolution and all through the war and after, the regime of the Right never forgot its holy battle against its internal enemies. All forms of criticism were now considered terrorist-inspired and dangerous to national security.

how many people in america lack foresight? nearly everyone, i fear. people assume that the civil liberties they have always enjoyed will always be there, or if they are not it will not matter. they forget where we have come from and how precious individual rights are in a place increasingly influenced by and for corporations. people also assume they are impotent. i believe i am not: that i have power and strength. i just am not sure where yet, or how. it is not in voting; it is not in roadside demonstrations.

my journey is toward the where and how.

first post ever

February 11, 2005

i realized i should start writing down all of these thoughts swirling in my head before i lose them.

plus this seems like a damn fine way to waste a few more minutes of my day.

we’ll see how this goes.