not quite sure

April 19, 2005

how to make it so that ALL of my posts are not on the front page, but rather they are archived away. i changed the settings so that only 7 posts should show up. but to no avail.

Music of the moment: ani difranco, knuckle down.

last week of work before vacation.

next week i go to arizona and new mexico. never been. i’m most excited to see the colors. it will be so different than new england. i just have to get thru this week of work and saturday. i have a bridal shower to go to and then laundry and packing. i also need to mop the kitchen floor. should be an action packed saturday.

this weekend i checked out the Vineyard church. it was okay. i had a really good experience and the sermon was decent (a high compliment from me) but i am just so anti large church. at the same time i think i need to focus on my spiritual growth at the moment. in some ways i think vineyard is exactly the place to do that. in other ways, i’m afraid it will not be great for me at all. plus i need to get back to volunteering. sigh. i’m such a lazy ass. no, more selfish than lazy.

i got together with the ladies this wkd and found out that my friends may be leaving me. why is it that everyone leaves me here?

two of my other friends are involved in a great long distance fight. what is happening around me?

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another day

April 11, 2005

wow, what a weekend.

i went to a new church. it was okay, decent. i prayed that i wouldn’t be too critical while i was there. trying to hear the voice of god, and all. i don’t think i was, but i also don’t think it is really the church for me, although i do like their heavy emphasis on social works and giving. i’m going to check out someplace else this weekend.

i also got together for prayer. how amazing. i need to pray more. i’ve been successful two days so far. i want to pray, feel so much better when i’m doing it, when i’m giving part of myself and my life to God and yet i’ve been so afraid to. so afraid of the sacrifices that He will call me to. how often lately i’ve wanted to not believe.

anyway, i’m reading “red moon rising” by peter greig. SO amazing. i was recommended it by a friend.

it’s about 24-7 prayer. even though i have trouble doing it prayer is something i’m passionate about. i’m nearly done now. this book will make you want to DO something, so be warned. if you’re not ready, i wouldn’t read it. then again, if you’re not ready, it might make you ready.

here’s a great part: “Perhaps He longs that we would vacate our buildings from time to time, that we would turn our temples into tabernacles, that we would become like Him, the friend of sinners.

we are the light of the world, but no one wants to stare at the bulb. we are the salt of the earth, but a whole plate of the stuff will make you sick. the people of God are called to scatter and mix, to mingle and move, to influence from a position of weakness, like a small child in a large family, like yeast in a loaf, like a mustard seed beneath a pavement.”

oh, that i will do that effectively.

i’ve become weak in all the wrong ways. desperate for something to cling to in a world that is always changing. i jumped from the deck of a ship during a rain storm into the sea to find a place not to drown.

what i like about grad school:

i like science.
doing bench work,
expts,
figuring things out,
getting results,
teaching,
reading papers to get brilliant new ideas or learn something extraordinary.

what i don’t like: my boss specifically
bosses in general.
always being told what to do.
being treated like a slave,
an idiot,
a lab tech,
a postdoc,
a lab manager,
and all of those in one.

ok, so the things i like about grad school are really just the things i like about science.

but it still goes to show i wouldn’t be any happier NOT being in grad school since i don’t have any other skills than this.

ok, actually i have skills out my ass but nothing that translates into real dollars given my educational and experiental background. so there.